Against a backdrop of rampant anthropogenic global warming, the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression and a rising tide of international terrorism it was left to the brave boys of Wheatley RUFC to lift the spirits of the village, and perhaps the entire Kingdom.

Rarely has a match been so anticipated as this week’s encounter between Wheatley and Reading Abbey. On paper the sides were perfectly matched: league points – 31 vs.64; points difference – −12 vs. + 518; matches won – 6 vs. 13. Clearly this was to be a match to define a generation.

And so it was, on Saturday the seventh of February, at two-thirty in the afternoon that these two great powerhouses of rugby union came together. Wheatley were fielding an uncharacteristically young (as long as you take care not to include Banton when you do your sums) side due to a combination of injury and general un-reliability from the team elders, but hoped to turn this to an advantage by running the Reading Abbey chaps around a bit.

So it was, after a frenetic first few minutes of play, that Wheatley’s Seb Wilson broke Reading Abbey’s line; the world held its breath as some fantastic support play by Barney Carter put him across the line, and put Wheatley out in front: 5-0. With the clean sheet avoided, a canny Wheatley proceeded to concede both a try and a penalty in a clever ruse to lull Reading Abbey into the belief that they could actually win the game: 5-10. Then BAM! A nicely slotted penalty by Seb Wilson brought the score back to 8-10, and Wheatley had Reading Abbey right where they wanted them. Check-mate.

However, the glorious and inevitable Wheatley victory that would have lifted a nation was not to be. Game-ending injuries in the midfield to Moe (hamstring) and Seb (head kicked in, got sleepy) necessitated a re-distribution of resources, with try-scorer Carter stepping in for the backs. Although Wheatley remained a force to be reckoned with, these injuries undoubtedly pushed the balance in Reading Abbey’s favour. The Wheatley boys put up a monumental defensive effort, reminiscent of the Spartan defence of Thermopylae against the armies of Xerxes. As with the Spartans, Wheatley were under the stewardship of a talismanic leader, namely Olly ‘Poochie’ Hobdell, whose performance gave him the well-earned Man of the Match accolade.

As time wore on in the second half so the strength of the Mighty Wheatley began to wane, and a flurry of tries by Reading Abbey gave a final score that flattered them: 8-42. However, the final score doesn’t really matter, what matters is that Wheatley gave a powerful and charismatic performance, never giving an inch (metaphorically; they gave quite a few literal inches or else Abbey wouldn’t have scored).

And so, as the sun set over the mist-covered hills of Oxfordshire, a nation was inspired by the heroism of these noble few.